JEWISH SINGLES WEEKEND RE-LIVED

You can't make up what I'm about to share--

We're going back to the early part of the decade. In the poconos, the New Jersey Y Camps held mini-vacations on both Memorial Day and Labor Day weekends. Roughing it in the woods. Unlike the Catskills, where men and women wore their best oufits at dinner. More scaled-down. Shorts and t-shirts. Also,  this is before the internet allowed people to hide behind firewalls and engage in virtual socializing.

At this weekend of about fifty singles, on the next to last night, people were congregating in the dining hall, playing cards and schmoozing.  Next to me was a nice man named Moishe, a real mensch, who helped me carry my bags to and from the car. In addition, he was fascinated with my juice extractor--both the machine itself and the fact I had schlepped it some ninety miles.

 At another table, I saw a man in his 40's looking like Rip van Winkle,, who appeared to be counseling a young man in his 20's. Later I asked the young dude what was up. He said that Rip was trying to recruit him for.....are you ready for this?......Jews For Jesus.

I say nothing. I'm in shock. Recruitment for...Jews... For... Jesus?...at 1:00AM...at a Jewish Singles weekend...?...in the poconos......... somebody pinch me. I say nothing. I'll pass it off as an hallucination.

The next night, the final night, same scenario. I'm at the table next to Moishe, we're spectators to a card game. Off in the corner, is the Rip van Recruiter with his materials, only now he's got an audience of four. He's multiplying. My conscience is gnawing.  I look at Moishe,yarmulka and all.  I can't resist. For the record, I am motivated by both fiduciary duty and mischief. I decide to snitch.

Me: Moishe, you see that guy over in the corner? You're going to think I'm crazy, but he's Jews For Jesus. He's laying his rap on that kid.
Moishe: Get out of here! No way!
Me: Yes way. He's got materials, I saw them. I kid you not.

Well, to put it mildly,Moishe goes nuts. He immediately recruits me as his lead investigator. He wants to know Rip's name, rank, serial number, the name of the mohel who performed at his briss, etc. (ok, maybe not all of that, but you get the picture).

Now, at our table is another nice man named David, who bears a striking resemblence to Jerry Garcia. David served in the Israeli army. Wouldn't know it. Very laid back guy. Moishe lets him in on what's up.

David calls Rip into the kitchen. Now, I'm not expecting violence but nevertheless am curious. I join them.

David tells Rip on no uncertain terms, that what he's doing "isn't very nice", and then  states, "do you know what you are? You are a verbal ham-and-cheese sandwich",  a line which reduces me to a usless blubbering hulk the remainder of the weekend. Rip, meanwhile, rebutts David, standing on his first amendment privilege. We head back to our bunks well past midnight. No casualties.

On the front porch of my bunk, sprawled out in a lounge chair,  is my roommate, whose capacity for alcohol is oceanic. He says to me, "what's with you"? I plead ignorance. He replies, "I hear you're attending Jews for Jesus meetings. I just checked the schedule and I don't see it listed." 

I need to get home. And my roomate needs AA.

The next morning, we pack and go our seperate ways. But the story's not over!

FLASH AHEAD 8 MONTHS LATER.....

Memorial Day weekend. Back in the poconos. First day. I see David, our good Israeli soldier in the dining hall. He seems disturbed. He's pacing back and forth, seems he's muttering some expletives under his breath, totally out-of-character for him.

I approach him, tell him it's good to see him, hope he had a nice winter, etc.

Me: Dave, what's wrong, man? You seem upset. Did you see that Jesus head-hunter again? Don't tell me he came back after you confronted him.
David: It's worse.
Me: What do you mean?
David: He's my roommate

Now I'm really fighting for self-control. And I manage to get it, until David continues...

"He's really not a bad guy. I just wish he'd stop 'jesus-ing' everybody"

I have to excuse myself. I spend most of the weekend walking around like a giggling idiot.

Bring back the good 'ole days!

A.-

BEANS RE-VISITED--A TRUE HEALTH FOOD, DESPITE THE PUNDITS

The poor, lowly, peasant food, the bean,  is like the "Rodney Dangerfield" of foods.  It gets no respect.

And I don’t understand why.  Ever hear the expression, “if you tell a lie long enough, it will stick”?  That appears to be the case with legumes. Meanwhile, people will over-indulge in the worst food combinations possible, produce flatulence (sorry if you’re eating) that will result in evacuation in their homes, and yet these foods get a pass (no pun intended)

FACT: Beans, when prepared, combined and chewed well, are easily digestible, going through the entire gastro-intestinal tract in much less time than animal protein. (ciatition needed).

FACT: Beans are a GODSEND  for regulating blood sugar levels, a long-chain polysaccharide accompanied by a high amount of dietary fiber.

This statement needs clarity.  The problem is, due to the nutrition facts required  on  labels, people will look at a can of beans,see 40 grams of carbs, then avoid it like the plague.

Truth be told, and this is one of my few original observations—fiber is the rev-limiter on carbs.  Let me explain---years ago, when  the Acura division of Honda debuted its Integra automoibile, I was one of the first to buy.  The small engine had a red-line of 7,000rpm. And you had to rev it close to red-line it to get any power out of it.And I was concerned I could over-rev the engine. Turns out my concerns were unnecessary.  Because there was a rev-limiter built in. The engine would turn-off near the red-line

So what does this have to do with beans?  Fiber slows the absorption of sugars, lowering the glycemic index of the food (past footnote). And high fiber will cut body fat  (see book: Body Rx  by Dr. Scott Connelly).                       


KEYS TO ENJOYING BEANS—GAS-FREE

1.       For canned beans, place in large bowl, fill and rinse, repeat until the foam is non-existent

2.       For dried beans, soak, then rinse water until foam is non-existent.

BEST FOOD COMBINATIONS

1.  For dried beans, cook with diced root vegetables: carrots, onion, turnips, rutabaga.

2.  For meals, beans combine best with: grains, vegetables, soyfoods (tofu, tempeh), and  other  legumes and seeds.
3. Add a 3" strip of kombu sea vegetable--releases alkaline-forming minerals.
4. For larger beans such as chickpeas and black soybeans, the use of a pressure cooker will result in a tender bean, easy to digest.

WORST FOOD COMBINATIONS

1. Beans do not digest well with: flesh foods or raw fruit  While beans are often served with fish, it's a bad combination. I'll save you the labored detail

2. Beans and dairy--another invitation to flatulence.  In place of that dollop of sour cream on top of your black bean soup, try a mock version made from tofu.

OTHER SUGGESTIONS

Chew, chew, and then some! Beans must be masticated until liquified in the mouth.

Purees are not recommended because it replaces the chewing process. Leave at least 50% of the beans whole.


MARRYING THE BEAN WITH RIGHT SPICE


One of the most inaccurate pieces circulating in the nutrition world is the indictment of spicy foods.
FACT: spices are digestive aids The culprit is the fatty foods it's added to. Furthermore, the science supports the health benefits of curcumin, curries, ginger and other spices, from home remedies to anti-inflammatory properties.


Here are some optimal bean/spice combinations


BEAN                                                                 COMBINE WITH


white beans (lima, navy)                            dill
black bean                                                        cumin
lentil                                                                    cilantro
red beans                                                           chili
split pea                                                             curry


VARIETY


So, you browse the isles in the store and see the same old, same old...black beans, red kidney, pinto, chickpea, etc.

How about these: black garbanzos, swedish brown, black  beluga lentil, anasazi, mung, butterscotch calypso, giant peruvian lima , green flageolet,  and more!

So, go get some! Cool beans!

TAX SEASON OVER! KRAMDEN AND UNGER WENT THROUGH IT, TOO

Don't know your tax situation, none of my business. But I'll tell you, two of the funniest sit-coms to deal with this subject were both The Honeymooners and The Odd Couple.

In the Honeymooners episode, "The Worry Wart" (April 7, 1956), Ralph receives a letter from what then was called the Bureau of Internal Revenue. He believes he's getting a refund. No check inside, but a letter telling him to report to their office.
This happens during dinner, and he can't sit still. Meanwhile, Norton, his slim friend with the voluminous appetite, oblivious to Ralph's stress, keeps ordering Ralph to the fridge for various condiments ---ketchup, piccallilii chow-chow. But it's the request for bread that causes Ralph to blow a gasket.


Ralph compounds his worries by having Norton assist him in his tax audit defense.. Things immediately get off on the wrong foot when Norton, checking Ralph's return for accuracy, mistakes Ralph's social security # as either a dollar amount or Ralph's weight. And although Ralph tosses Norton out of his flat for the umpteenth time for his ludicrous summation ("stand on the 18th amendment-tell them you were drunk when you did your taxes"), Ralph nevertheless accepts Nortons' offer to accompany him down to the tax office. And although Norton, as only he can do, nearly indicts Ralph ("he's Kramden, I'm clean"), it all works out in the end.
For the few who have actually not viewed these twenty-four minutes of hilarity, the ending at the IRS office is priceless (just remember in your own life, when in a bad situation, to remain "calm and cool").

Now, almost 20 years later, The Odd Couple tries its hand at tax comedy ("The Ides of April", 4-19-73).  By 1973, the Bureau has changed its name to the IRS.

Felix, too, gets a letter of what he believes is an office audit. Upon arriving there, before verifying  the nature of the inquiry, he erupts in a diatribe of the injustice of being called down. He then elaborates about the great accuracy of his returns and the pains  he goes through. And how does the IRS have the gall to audit him, when they should be "auditing people like his roomate, Oscar Madison, who 'doesn't care what figures he puts down on his return'."

Turns out, like Kramden before him, Felix was not in any kind of trouble. To the contrary, the IRS was so impressed with his flawlessly neat, tidy and accurate returns, that they longed to meet the man behind the pencil. The supervisor bellows, "everyone get out here, Mr. Unger is here!". To show their appreciation, the entire office gives him a standing ovation. It is then the character of Felix Unger utters one of the corniest lines ever, that only he could say: "many happy returns!".

However, before he gets out the door, the supervisor then inquires for the name of the man who Felix said, "puts down any amount on his tax return". Felix pleads amnesia but to no avail--("get me the file on Oscar Madison".)  Felix then returns home to break the news to Oscar how he inadvertently  ratted him out.


Like Norton to Kramden, Felix offers his tax preparaion services to Oscar, whose plan is to "just go down there and beg for mercy". Fortunately for Oscar, Felix is much more competent than Norton. And the ending of this episode is classic.

TIP-TRONIC TRANSMISSION

Wanted to get this off my chest for a brief---

Walking past sports sedans or coupes, take a peek inside, see a leather shift boot and a knob, resembling a manual transmission...
Then, closer scrutiny reveals, on the side of the boot,the letters R-D1,N, etc.

It's an automatic transmission! "Tip-tronic"? Shift with it?...NOT! Marketing hype.

If you don't depress a clutch pedal, deep-six that boot and knob.

And to actually own a car with a sport suspension and put on that facade...

This should be outlawed.

SMART PHONES AND TOILET PAPER--RUNNING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS

Was inspecting a roll of bathroom tissue (not during use, in case you're eating), and noticed a perceptible shrinkage. It's definitely narrower, reminding me of a thong strap

So, I tore off one of the perforated sheets and measured.

Surely enough, the sheet size that used to be a 4.5" square back in the days (I used to sell the stuff, no need to provide fact-checking link here) is now...

4.1" x 3.7"

Which leads to the question:

Has the human anatomy changed? From my personal observation, yes, but not for the lesser.  I mean, why are there now terms like, "getto-booty", "ba-DOONK-a-DOONK", and, of course "phatty-banger".

____________________________________________________

Now, on the other hand, I've noticed that the size of the screen on the latest cell phones has increased. From less than 2", to now either 3.7" or 4.3".  And that doesn't take into account these new tablets (oops--calls can't be made on tablets, can they?)

Hence, the cell phone screen has out-sourced  out-sized a sheet of toilet paper.  Paper-makers, you're getting wiped out.

RAIN (NOT THE MUSICAL ABOUT THE BEATLES)

Wind-proof umbrella, where r u?

So,  a decade into the 21^st century, we have:

·         Cell-phones that can be used as a credit card

·         Get voice directions on a gps device

·         Watch television in our cars

·         Apps, Apps and more apps

·         Shoot a laser beam from a mile away and record a person’s blood pressure

But… we can’t make a wind-proof umbrella that fits inside my briefcase?

Yeah, I know, the golf-sized ones are windproof.

But I don’t feel like carrying around a spear—too much drama---poking people on the subway, not to mention the inclination to lose it somewhere…..

TO: HFCS. FROM: WHITE SUGAR. RE: THANKS

Dear High Fructose Corn Syrup:

Thanks for making me a rock star again.  Let me explain:

When William Dufty, the author of Sugar Blues, published his book in 1975, with the support of his wife, film star Gloria Swanson, you hurt me. Badly.

But now, you've put me back in the mainstream.  Products sweetened with me are now being promoted as healthful.  Where should we send the check?